I had heard the term “boy pussy” before, but it had never been applied to me. Like many gay men, I worked hard to accept parts of myself that the world regarded as feminine but resisted being identified as a woman. The first time someone called my stuff a pussy during sex, it bothered me. Many who use campy language like “queen” and “she/her” in place of “he/him” draw the line at equating a man’s ass with pussy. Some gay men dislike having their ass called a pussy while others dig it or are unbothered. Shame sounds more like “Why are there so many bottoms in Atlanta?” or “Why do bottoms want to be treated like women?” Men don’t express shame by admitting “I feel bottoms are not real men because I am afraid of my feminine self”. Hard as they may try, men who choose to assimilate, rather than reject, patriarchal values cannot compensate their way out of shame. We learn that of all our acts and desires that disqualify us as men, taking dick is the ultimate form of emasculation. Gay boys are coached from the same patriarchal playbook as their hetero playmates. A ripped masculine man who bottoms is considered a disappointment who only appears to be a real man.i.e., “chile, he ain't nothing but a big ole bottom.”īlack gay men’s shade about bottoming is deeply rooted in shame. No matter how manly they may appear, men who bottom are therefore deemed less desirable. Many (including bottoms) equate bottoms with women, as patriarchy deems being penetrated a woman’s role. Black gay men still use antiquated terms like passive and submissive as codes for bottoms. I wanted to ask him “if I get what I want, what do I need to get back?” but I was a 20-year-old novice, so I held my objection in silence.įorty-one years after losing my cherry, conflicting attitudes about bottoming persist as if passed down through generations. When boys gossiped about a girl having sex, they would say she “gave it up” ignoring that the girl was not only giving but also receiving pleasure.
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His insistence that I “get” whenever I “give” echoed the proverbs I heard growing up in the barbershops and playgrounds where boys learned how to be men. To not ‘get yours back’ was to suffer a loss that needed to be balanced out, a measure of displaced manhood that must be reset. My friend’s advice suggested that to be penetrated is to give away something valuable that must be paid back. Lighting a second post-sex Newport, he advised, “well if you do that with someone, make sure you get yours back.”
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“You sure you haven't done this before?” I told him I really liked it and that I looked forward to getting better at it. I was so relaxed throughout it all that it stumped him.
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It was a college friend who did the honors. Before this initiation, I enjoyed getting and giving head and frottage, but no penetration whatsoever. I had not placed anything bigger than my finger inside. I expected it to be really painful the first time I got fucked. “Free your mind, and your ass will follow…”